Saturday, October 18, 2008

Proof Read My Essay Please.

Hey People!
I finally finished my essay. You'd think with all that essay writing and stuff i do in my blog it would be no problem it was just mainly fear. Im so scared that this college won't like me and will not accept me. I just want yall to go over my essay for me for Harcum College before i send it off. I could have my family members do it but not many of them finished highschool, and the ones that are in college im not close with. My mother did some college but she doesnt really know what to look for in an essay that was years ago she tells me "Ask your father" yea right. Let me know if there are any errors or something wrong with it i want my essay to be good here it is...do you think i answered the three questions they wanted me to answer? Why am i applying to harcum college? Why am i applying to the Veterinarian Technician Program? How Will Harcum Help me achieve my Goal?


Despite my disability; Sickle Cell Anemia, I was raised to believe from my parents that I can achieve life's goals just like anyone else, it just might be a little tougher. That was true. Through out my school years I was attending school and home schooled while I was sick. Whenever I did return to school I would be told that I just returned and am already top of my class and a little ahead. I've been struggling with Sickle Cell but I don't let it stop me or my goals like graduating High school, and getting a job and soon to be attending College.
Currently I am a cashier at Kohl's and I am not happy with it. As a child bagging clothes and receiving money wasn't a dream career. Harcum seems to hold the key to my door of success. It's Close to home. The school also is the only College I could find with the Veterinarian Technician Program. Also a co-worker attended and gave this college a good review so it sealed the deal for me and I decided this was the college for me.
I have hobbies and interest such as Graphic Design and Animation but that craft does not exceed the skills I have when it comes to taking care of animals. Animals are my life, if they hurt I hurt. I've been called “Dr. Dolittle”, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” and more. When I was a child my little black kitten got his paw shut in the door; he walked with a limp. My mother didn't have the means to take Midnight to the hospital so I attached two Popsicles sticks to his leg on both sides, then wrapped it with an Ace Bandage. I was told that if he wasn't walking right in four weeks or so she would give him up to the SPCA. About a month later my mom removed the Ace Bandage and home-made splint, Just my luck he was walking properly again. I don't know what Fixed midnight's leg; whether it was the Splint or not. But I do know that seeing him running around like before made me happy just knowing he wasn't in pain anymore.
By Equipping me with more wisdom on how to help or save an animal like Midnight or one in a more worse situation. I can use my Artfulness in a career field of my dreams and not only make parents of animals glad but make myself Cheerful too. That is how Harcum College can assist me in achieving my aspiration.

16 comments:

Missie said...

Do not mention that you do like Kohls. Never write anything negative in your essay. You only want to point out good things!! No negative!!

Joyce said...

Good essay Diama. The only thing I could see if that you have some words capitalized that shouldn't be. For example...It's Close to home. Close should be small c. There are a couple of others. Just run through and check that and you are done my friend. Nice job.
Hugs, Joyce

Jeannette said...

It's a very good essay Diama. The only thing I could pick up on was what Missie already pointed out. Instead of saying you are't happy at Kohls I'd say that your present job doesn't give you job satisfaction and you'd like to improve yourself and your prospects by applying to go to Harcum. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and wish you the very best of luck in getting into college. Jeannette xx

Lainey Laine said...

Brilliant Diama but don't put any negatives in hunni. Write about Kohl as a good learning experience. Say that currently you are working as a cashier and it has given you great learning experiences, like dealing with the public and helping people. Coz you would be working with the public if you want to be a vet! So use it as a strength. Also I wouldnt say that Harcum was the only college available - say that it was the best available. Talk them up! They like that! Say that its the best college because of the fact it has the Vetinary bit! If you know what I mean! I absolutley love the ending about how much you love animals - brilliant hunni. I hope this helps you and good luck. You have showed them you have a dream and Im sure they will help you make your dream come true. xxxx
http://myphotolounge-heavenlybama.blogspot.com/

Lainey Laine said...

I might have left the wrong link when I posted last time! whoops!!
http://lainey-lainesworld.blogspot.com/

a corgi said...

I agree with Missie; don't say you don't like Kohls; say something like you are working at Kohls but you want to do something that furthers your love of animals and that's why you want to go to Harcum

also in your sentence of going bac to school after you were out because of your sickle cell, the sentence that starts with "whenever" changed the word "am" before already to "was"; I think that sounds better to me. Try it and see if you like it.

Also, like Joyce said, make sure no capitals in middle of sentence unless proper name

otherwise GREAT JOB!!!

betty

MISSY said...

Just an idea:

I don't know if it was me that fixed midnight's leg or just luck; What I do know is seeing him better made me feel accomplished. By equipping me with the wisdom to help or save an animal like Midnight or one in a more worse situation, I can use my skills in a career field that I desire and not only make animals feel better but live my dream as well.

Amanda said...

(((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU))))))))))))I think you are an amazing person for what you had to go through in your life and you still going with your dreams,I think that is awsome.I aggree with Missie,dont write anything negative,I think they want to hear good things.I like what you said.

Dawn said...

I would remove the part about Kohls but the rest is great!

be well...

Millie said...

..i've come in a bit late on this so i will say I have to agree with everyone else's comments -

Great Essay, enjoyed reading it.

:)

Lisa said...

I agree with all the other comments. Great job!!! Excellent essay!
Lisa

Linda said...

Good job! Linda

Toon said...

Leave out the negative stuff and remember to put a comma after the word "but". It's very solid and very YOU!

Russ

AGirlNexDoorCreation said...

Checking in...waiting to see if you found out anything or not...wishing you a good week my friend..big hugs,TerryAnn

MISSY said...

I just went back and read my revision.. I said "more worse" lol... I must not have been paying attention, didn't capitalize Midnight either :( *M*

Barb said...

Well I read your essay & I believe it's spot on. It seems the advice have been given is all that you needed. I wish you the best of luck.
Oh by the way thanks for the halloween tag. Love it.
Hugs, Barb